I've never met this girl that I'm looking for, this Alice. All that I know about her is that she has light colored hair and amazing eyes. And that her smile makes me want to kiss her. I first saw Alice when I was a child living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I was an outcast, no one liked me, people wouldn't talk to me. I did crazy things to attract people's attention, so they'd at least talk to me, if only briefly. I bleached and dyed my hair, ran around, was loud. Nothing worked. But I didn't care really. I mean, I did, but not consciously. I had grown up alone, so why shouldn't I be able to live happily alone? A mother that abused me, a father that never touched me. I hated being touched. Abhorred it. Then, one day I fell asleep and I had a dream. I dreamed that I was in a forest, my forest, the one I had spent my childhood in. I wasn't alone. That's when I first saw her. She was cold and alone, sitting beneath a tree, with her hands pulled up to her chin. I asked her why she was all alone in the wilderness. She told me the wolves were after her. I laughed, perhaps insensitively, and looked around.
When I was very little, before I lived in this town, when I lived alone with just my mother and father, I was playing with my soldier men in a creek behind our house. I had suddenly felt like I was being watched, and sure enough, when I looked up, something was watching me. It was a wolf. A grey wolf, the kind not native to where I grew up. It blinked at me, and I knew the creature was scared. I got up, afraid, and it attacked me. Or that's what I thought. It jumped over me, but clipped my face with it's back paw, and split my lip open. I have that scar to this day.
I laughed at the frightened girl, and looked up. There was my wolf again. It looked from me, to her, then to me again. It was suddenly next to me, and it nudged my foot. Then it was gone. I told the girl that she didn't have to be afraid anymore. That the wolves were our friends. She took my hand, and we walked out of the forest. I remember that I looked at her face right before I woke up. The next day my mother hit me for the first time.
The next time I saw her was when a girl held my hand to make fun of me. I fell asleep crying. Why did people have to be so cruel? Alice met me in my dreams. I don't know why I know her name is Alice, but I do. This time, we were on a beach, sitting on rocks. She told me that things aren't always what they looked like, and that I shouldn't feel bad because soon I'll feel good. As she said this, a crab pinched her finger, and she crushed it with her boot. Over the next couple weeks, I seduced and fucked her best friend
I saw her again. This time, my mother had hit my dog. She tore the phone from the wall and hit him repeatedly with it, blocked his exit so he couldn't get away. She did it because her punishments "didn't make an impact" on me. I grabbed her by the hair and threw her to the ground. When she got up again and raised the phone at me, I shoved her in the chest and she went through the laundry room door, hung against the hot water heater. I ripped her off it and threw her out the front door and down the front steps. She spent the night at our neighbors. My father never found out. She'd never dare tell him that she hurts me. I was afraid I would get in trouble. That night, I dreamt that Alice and I lived together. Not as lovers, but as friends. She went out to get groceries, and I realized I was dreaming. Instead of waking up, I proved it to myself by forcing a cactus to walk over our house. The Cactus men from Final Fantasy, you see. She came back, and I remember being annoyed that she had eaten some of the groceries on the way home. We set off in search of the Cactus, and for a night, I forgot about the world. Only we mattered.
My next dream was right after my father moved out. It was just me and her. I left home with a bag of cereal and a blanket, but in the end I was too scared and returned before she noticed. She threw my dog off the front porch that day. I realize now she hurt him because she couldn't hurt me directly. She had done it for too long, I was immune. This time, I didn't do anything. I was too scared. My dog curled up in my lap, forgiveness in his eyes. His tail had kinks in it for the rest of his life. That night I dreamt of running. I ran so far, and for so long, that I finally escaped her. My body was powerful. It was untouchable. I sat on the floor of some cabin, against a couch, and somehow Alice was behind me, massaging my shoulders with cold hands. Cold because my body was hot. I was steaming, in my dream. The windows fogged, and I fell in love with this girl in my dreams.
The next time I dreamed of her, I don't remember why. There was not a reason apart from the normal life, I guess. We were on a road, and we were smiling. I said something and she laughed, her white teeth flashing. She was wearing a white woolen sweater. A knitted sweater, and she had on blue jeans, with boots. Her nails were pained silver, and her skin was aglow. I kissed her while she was laughing, and she gasped. It was a pleasant gasp in an indescribable way. She kissed me back with the barest hint of pressure, and then was gone. She smiled at me, as she faded into the distance. It was a sad smile, but one I will never forget. I saw her twice more in that same dream, both times at a distance, watching sadly. I couldn't get close to her. She wouldn't respond to anything I did. I woke up with silent tears on my cheeks.
When my best and only friend died, I told one person. She lived on the other side of the world. But she could not comfort me. Alice appeared in my dream again. She was very close. Her eyes were so sad. Her breath was sweet, and her skin glowed gold, not with tan, but with a strange beauty words fail to express. Her eyelashes fluttered at me, and I somehow knew I was sitting and she was standing, although there was nothing to sit on, nothing around us except amber space. She brushed her hand down my face, closing my eyelids, as she closed her eyes. When I opened my eyes, I was in my bed, looking at the ceiling. I got up, showered, and went about my day. I moved out, and away. I was free.
But I haven't seen Alice again. It's been so many years. I somehow know she's out there in the world, incarnate as a person. Maybe she doesn't know me, and maybe she's never dreamed of me. But maybe she needs me. Because I need her. I know I broke a rule when I kissed her in my dreams. And I'm sorry. I know she's out there somewhere, living her life. And starting now, this night, on August 13th, 2010, I start, in earnest, my search for this girl of my dreams. All I know is that her name is Alice and that she is blonde.
Please, help me find my Alice. It could be anyone, maybe even one of your friends. Just think of everyone you know named Alice, and if one is blonde, please show her this.
Encontre este escrito en el infame sitio considerado el ano de la Internet. Para mi es una enorme sorpresa encontrarme a una persona en todo el mundo que tambien ha soñado con una chica llamada Alicia. Desde hace mucho tiempo he tratado fuerte en escribir mi propia version de Alicia, una chica que solo yo he logrado visualizar una vez. Cuando logre encontrar a mi Alicia tengan por seguro que ustedes seran los primeros en enterarse.
